Q: I’ve been married for 25yrs and most of that time, we hardly talk, and when we do communicate, we argue. We focused our efforts on raising our children and have now left home. How can you help me?
A: If you put the children before your marriage, you are looking for issues. For men more so than women, they want to know they are #1 in your life. If they feel anything less, you will have a cold, distant and argumentative man.
For many couples once they have children, their identity changes from lovers to mum and dad. They tend to forget they were lovers before and to return to that. If you don’t have a love affair with your partner, then somebody else will.
Let’s say you have recently given birth and go to the cinema. In your lap is your baby who you are cooing and cuddling. If your husband asks a question, often the mother will snap at them. Just imagine, from his point of view, he is thinking, 12 months ago that was me and now my child has taken what I used to have. As women, a balance needs to be found.
The main reasons couples argue is because they haven’t connected after a time apart (hence the reason for the 10 second kiss and 20 second cuddle) and because they don’t feel as if they matter. We all want to matter to our partner and when we don’t, we think to ourselves, I’d rather matter to you in a positive way, yet rather than not matter at all; I’m going to matter in a negative way, so hence arguments happen or they have an affair, etc.
What you need to do is start communicating for a minimum of 30 minutes every day, start going out on date nights and plan weekend get always every 3 months. You need to include romance and surprise into the relationship. There are a whole lot of things you both can and need to do which I cover in my workshops, to get you happily connected and in love with each other again.
Q: My husband is very controlling. He looks after our finances and even what I wear when we go out. What do you recommend?
A: Men like control. Therefore men don’t enjoy asking for directions even if lost while driving their car. Yet with controlling you or another person, isn’t it hard enough controlling our own lives, let alone someone else? There are only two things we really ever have complete control over and they are – what things mean and what will we do. Money in relationships is seldom an issue when seen as “our” money. When seen as our money and proper discussion takes place, there is no control. For the ones who control the money, ask what else could they be hiding, which then creates distrust and resentment, etc.
Q: My partner had an affair. I’m having a hard time dealing with it. What can I do?
A: Men like control. Therefore men don’t enjoy asking for directions even if lost while driving their car. Yet with controlling you or another person, isn’t it hard enough controlling our own lives, let alone someone else? There are only two things we really ever have complete control over and they are – what things mean and what will we do. Money in relationships is seldom an issue when seen as “our” money. When seen as our money and proper discussion takes place, there is no control. For the ones who control the money, ask what else could they be hiding, which then creates distrust and resentment, etc.
Q: I split up from my husband recently even though we still love each other. I have ADHD and he is bi-polar yet he doesn’t want help. What am I to do?
A: I can help you with the ADHD, no problem. I can also help your husband if he was willing. Since he is not wanting help and having bi-polar, he will never fully or permanently be present in your relationship as a husband and will continue to use the bi-polar as an excuse.
Q: My partner and I are totally different. We love each other even though we drive each other crazy at times. We want more stability. What can we do?
A: The old phrase, opposites attract has meaning here. I’m not talking about your religious or political beliefs. I’m talking about your basic temperaments. If you are messy, your partner is probably a neat freak. If you are spontaneous, your partner is cautious and a planner.
The reason for this is to create a larger picture.
Plus there are the fundamental differences between men and women. Women feel, men think. Women are psychological, men are visual. Men prefer to make love in the morning, women at night, etc.
The trick is to know and understand these differences and then not to take them personally and preferably to learn to love, respect and appreciate your differences. Even if you feel you are on different life paths or stages, putting your relationship as #1, the proper support and understanding will be there. It is also advisable to create a Relationship or Marriage Mission statement, which both of you can sit down and discuss and develop.
Q: My son is having major issues in his marriage. I don’t know what advice to give him. Any suggestions?
A: The most healthy and well-adjusted children come from a home where mum and dad love each other. Children learn about relationships from their parents. What I suggest is for you to first go through my workshop, to enhance your own relationship, and from there you will have the knowledge and experience to advise your son more correctly. Also, as a Graduate of my program, you receive 12 months phone and email support plus Exclusive lifelong Membership to our Private Facebook Group where you can share, learn, grow, discuss and ask for advice and support on any relationship challenges you have, to myself or other Graduates of the program.
Q: What makes you different from a Counselor, Psychologist or other Relationship Coaches?A: First, let’s start with what a counselor does. You go to a counselor because you have a problem in your relationship that you could not resolve. The counselor will delve deep into your past, and help you find the core reasons and either make you aware hoping the awareness is enough for you to change, or they may put you through some change work. They may help you release past negative emotions or harmful patterns you may do in your relationship.
Q: What are the deal breakers in relationships?
A: With all things being equal, there are only 2 things that cannot be resolved in relationships and they are religion and children. If one person is very adamant about their religion and so is the other and they oppose each other, there is nothing that can be done, really. Similarly, for couples when one partner wants children and the other doesn’t. When there is no compromise, this is when deal breakers come into effect and only exist in these two situations. As is said, you can’t be a little bit pregnant.
There are a few others worthy of mention.
a. Abuse and trauma – either physical, emotional and mental. When this happens self love and self respect do not exist and we cannot give what we do not have.
b. Addictions – drugs and alcohol, etc. As above, people who have these kinds of addictions do not have self love or respect and cannot give what they do not have.
c. Emotional and Mental issues -: if someone has tendencies of a sociopath, for example, they rarely want help. With such a self-absorbed focus, they cannot fully join and share with another human being. They cannot care enough about another persons emotional fulfillment. Only if the individual seeks and truly desires help can the beginning of a real relationship even be considered.